It’s no secret that we are living in trying times. Being “stuck” in the house with those you love most can present challenges that you’ve never quite experienced before. A little known tool that can help you overcome some of your relational conflicts is humor. That’s right, good ole fashion humor can work wonders during times of crisis and conflict. 

Imagine this scenario. The conflict between mom and dad has been brewing all day. The combatants are at crisis point, and it feels like the whole household is holding their collective breath waiting to see what happens next. At this point, they’re ready for bloodshed, or at the very least, some very strong words. 

The last thing they expect is for one of the key players in the conflict to open their mouth and… make a joke?

Maybe it doesn’t feel like a resolution to the conflict, but actually, laughter goes far beyond being the clichéd ‘best medicine.’  How? First of all, laughter has the potential to down-regulate the tension of the situation, which is exactly what’s needed to regain perspective, build stronger bonds, and yes, smooth over the differences. 

Here are a few strategies to help you use humor to resolve conflicts:

1. Make sure that both parties are ‘in on the joke.’ By keeping humor wholesome – not at the expense of the other person, you’re focusing on inviting them to laugh with you, rather than laughing at them. How can you tell if you’re doing this right? Humor can personal, and so your best indicator of getting it right is to gauge the other person’s reactions. If they’re not laughing, chances are they don’t find it funny. Stop! Just stop it! If not, this will backfire horribly and you will deeply regret it.

2. Check to make sure that you’re using humor as a defensive weapon rather than a cover-up for bottled up emotions. If you’re using humor to mask emotions that you’d rather not deal with right now, then it’s time to hit the brakes. Stop immediately and ask yourself what it is that you’re not dealing with and why. 

3. Work on that sense of humor. Every good comedian knows how to read their audience. The same goes for using humor with another person, especially in a situation that’s already a bit touchy. Watch the nonverbal cues. What language are you using? Keep the tone positive and light, and mean it. That means don’t use jokes as a means of cruelty. Lastly, consider what you might use as an inside joke. Inside jokes not only keep the situation light but create a deeper intimacy with those you have a conflict with.

4. Most importantly, be Playful! A little bit of silly fun is a good thing. Not sure how to tap into that kind of fun? Explore humor in other ways so that you always have a repertoire to fall back on. Watch content that you find funny on TV or in movies. Listen to corny jokes. Find that side of you that likes to play and encourage it with creativity and fun activities. Basically, lighten up!

No matter what, cut yourself some slack. It takes practice to be funny. Keep at it, and you’ll find your natural sense of humor emerging. You’ll be able to tap into it when you need to. That conflict won’t know what hit it!

BONUS: How to fight fair as couples

Regardless of how much we love each other and work to improve our romantic relationship, there are bound to be disagreements and arguments. Typically, a relationship is made up of two very different people who attempt to live in harmony. When fights do occur, it shouldn’t be a free-for-all. Just like every other “game” in life, there are rules to fighting that everyone in love should abide by if they want to remain in a happy relationship.

These guidelines will help you to fight fair:

Choose your timing carefully

As soon as your partner walks in the door from a long day at work might not the best time to pounce on them to change their irritating behavior. It can take real self-discipline to hold your tongue when you want to get something worked out right away but waiting until everyone is in the right frame of mind to discuss a volatile situation is well worth it. When we barge in without taking into consideration the mental state of the other person, we inevitably make the argument much larger than it needs to be.

Use “I” language

We’ve all heard this, but it bears repeating. The other person is immediately on the defensive when a sentence starts with “You do ___ and I don’t like it….”  It’s just human nature because it feels like we are being attacked. But keep in mind that no one can make us feel anything – only we ourselves can do that. So, switch your “you’s” to “I’s.” Say something like, “I feel ___ when you do ___.” It’s not just semantics – to shows that you are in charge of your feelings. You are focusing on the feelings instead of the behavior you don’t like. This makes the other person feel safe enough to let down their guard and discuss the situation more rationally.

Focus on the now

It’s so easy to get all worked up and start bringing up grievances from months or years past. Most people tend to argue about the same type of issue over and over. For example, money and parenting issues are two of the most common, even in the most loving relationships. Take care to avoid bringing up the past. And, if one of these slips out, apologize and come back to the current issue.

Never say never

This connects with the tip above. When you start throwing around words like always and never, you know you are in dangerous territory. It’s usually an overstatement that simply escalates the fight and does not accomplish anything, including rectifying the situation.

Let’s face it being in a loving relationship where both individuals are given the opportunity to be their true selves is a blessing. It’s something that should not be taken for granted but highly appreciated. It does not mean that the challenges and differences of opinion don’t arise. Having challenges and differences is completely natural and should never be suppressed. However, putting the proper tools in place to overcome friction and keep peace is simply the mature thing to do. Humor is just one of many tools that used properly can go a long way to heal our hearts and strengthen our bond.

Stay strong and positive during these times of adversity. You will persevere.

Be well + prosper,

Elaine xx