Have you ever stopped to think about how a little effort goes a long way in sustaining your marriage? We all know that great relationships are never really easy. It is completely normal to hit some bumps in the road or to even have long stretches where you and your spouse have a hard time connecting. Couples who are blessed enough to seem to get along more often than not have probably discovered a tiny little secret early on in their marriage. That secret is to show love and affection in little ways often- not always in big ways when things seem to be going badly or when an apology is in order! Studies actually show that small gestures lead to longer lasting love in marriages.
The truth is that we get uber inspired when there is an overwhelming huge problem to solve. We generally pull out all of the stops and rush head first into fix it mode. It’s mostly because we get an amazing dopamine rush when we solve the big one. But what about the gazillion small opportunities that present themselves several times throughout any given day? Do we miss those opportunities because they seem so minute.
Here’s a silly example from my own marriage of over 28 years: In the early days, my husband would drive my car and (it seemed like almost always) that he would bring it back with an empty tank. Now as petty as this may seem, it made me FURIOUS. Why? Because I interpreted his actions as a lack of concern for my well being. Was that true, probably not. The conversation in my head centered around how neglectful could he be…..and on and on. I confronted him about this many times. In reality, he wasn’t purposely being neglectful. He was being absent minded. He barely even noticed the tank was empty. Fast forward to now. This man will set out purposefully to fill up my gas tank literally every week (whether it is completely empty). That is his small way of saying “I love you and I care for you and I’m not going to leave you stranded on the side of the road, not ever!”
It really helps when you know your spouse’s love language,i.e., how they read and interpret love messages. For example, my love language is GIFTS. Funny, I know. So compliments don’t go super far with me, but a little present does. My husband on the hand is king words. So he lights up like a Christmas tree when I tell him how awesome he is or how great his outfit looks on him. Sometimes, in the midst of raising kids, building careers and the thousands of demands this modern life lays on us, we simply can’t get away on that Norweigan cruise or even a freakin’ date night might seem impossible. That’s when we can dig a little deeper and think of that very small thing that will rock your honey’s world!
Here are a few scenarios for you to try:
- Suppose your husband is a stay at home dad who works from home so you can go out and pursue your career. You could try stopping on the way home from work and picking wildflowers from alongside the road for him. Newsflash:Men like flowers too! He may have had a difficult day on the job, the kids were trying his patience or you both simply seem to have lost your intimacy lately. If you were to walk in the door with a fist full of wildflowers you took the time to select just for him on the way home; you will have broken the surrounding atmosphere with love and consideration. You both have the opportunity to start fresh with that one, small yet powerful gesture.
- If you are going out of town or simply feel like ‘ships passing in the night’ because of kids, commitments or work, find a sun catcher, charm or porcelain figure in the shape of a star or a shooting star. Wrap the trinket in a small gift box and fold a note on top of it that says, “Wish you were here” and place it in his or her travel bag or even in a briefcase or purse. When he or she finds it and knows that you are missing them and thought enough to share that sentiment, it will stir emotions that may not have been awakened in some time.
- In order to change tedious or tiring routines or to inspire intimacy, you might be surprised at how little effort is required. If he or she is enjoying a good book, remove the bookmark and replace it with a note that says, “I bet you’ll never guess where I’ve hidden your bookmark.” I know it sounds silly, a lil bit corny, but believe it or not silly gestures like these can lessen the stress of the outside world and bring you closer together.
Remember the small unique things you used to do when you first got together that would make your heart flutter and put a twinkle in your eye? Try them again! When you go shopping, for a walk or you’re just sitting together watching TV, hold hands, link arms or put your arm around them. Softly whisper “Hey” into his ear and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes. Tell your him that you are amazed at how much you love him or how grateful you are to still be together.
These simple, small love hacks can really go far when it comes to sparking a little romance in your marriage. They can break the monotony of a relationship or help your spouse to feel appreciated and loved. You can pretty much expect to feel the same in return!
Be well + prosper,
Elaine