Resentment, or bitterness, is a negative emotional response to feeling mistreated. It is a perceived wrongdoing. It is a complex, multilayered emotion described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, and anger. Other psychologists consider it a mood or a secondary emotion (including cognitive elements) that can be elicited in the face of insult or injury. The emotional disturbance caused by resentment is severe and should be handled as such. To be clear, we do not live in other people’s bodies, so we can not be quick to judge how they manage the stress that feeling wrongly handled may have affected them. What we can do is be supportive and as understanding as possible as they weather the storms of life. So, if you or anyone you love is struggling to release the emotional baggage of resentment, read on to learn some practical strategies to break free from this insidious stronghold.
It’s not uncommon to experience conflict and hurt from other’s words or behavior. You may have been victimized by a treacherous co-worker, neglected by a parent, or bullied as a kid. These life events can cause resentment, bitterness, and anger in the long term if not resolved. However, unresolved resentment can have a dangerous impact on your mental and physical health.
“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease, diabetes, and other conditions—forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
Why Do We Feel Resentment?
When someone hurts us, we may experience a range of negative emotions such as sadness, hostility, or even hatred. When we don’t release and forgive, we are consumed with those negative feelings, affecting our self-esteem and overall well-being. If you suffer from chronic resentment, you can learn to forgive. It is an active process requiring time and patience, but you can discover the skillset.
However, some people struggle more than others to forgive for various reasons, from the severity of the offense to how vulnerable you were to those who wielding the offense. In this instance, you might require more support, but you can learn and apply the process to your life.
What is Forgiveness?
Psychologists commonly define forgiveness as “A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness.”
Remember that you can forgive without denying or forgetting the wrongdoing against you. You are not required to mend a bad relationship or release others from legal liability.
Strategies to Forgive
Forgiveness starts with a decision. You can decide that you are ready to end your suffering and move on with your life. Here are some practical tips to help you on your journey:
Forgive Yourself:
Many times, we are the most unforgiving towards ourselves. We rehearse our bad decisions that may have led to us being mistreated in the first place. Whether or not we are to blame matters less than our ability to forgive ourselves and walk in freedom
Choose To Forgive the Offence:
First, you need to decide whether you choose to forgive. While you don’t have to forgive, it is to your benefit to do so. Research by the Annals of Behavioral Medicine shows that increased forgiveness decreases perceived stress and improves mental and physical health.
Leverage the Power of Positive Thinking:
The effect of negative thinking and feelings is unhappiness. To heal, be consciously aware when you’re burdened with pessimistic thoughts. Use positive self-talk to replace the distressing thoughts. For example, you may want to retaliate against the person who hurt you. Remind yourself that you will be fair with that person and not mirror their harmful actions.
Change Your Perspective
Think about the other person to understand their actions better. Was the person hurt by others or mistreated? Is the person going through a difficult time? Is it possible that that person may be in pain, struggling with chronic resentment, affecting their behavior with others? Look at the person with a compassionate perspective to gain insight. You don’t need to excuse the person, but you can forgive and move forward.
Acknowledge and Accept Your Pain
Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge the hurt you’re feeling; don’t avoid it. Explore the emotions you’re experiencing and accept the pain. Psychology Today reports, “Pain is a necessary part of happiness, and research shows that it can lead to pleasure in several ways.” For example, pain helps you recognize happiness; otherwise, you wouldn’t recognize it as happiness. Also, relief from pain is pleasurable and increases your happiness.
Seek Professional Support:
If you are in a downward spiral of negative feelings and emotions, constantly rehearsing the wrongdoing you experienced, you may need professional help to get back on the right track. You might have PTSD or some other mental disorder as a result of the offense. In this case, professional services can help you get to the root of the problem and resolve it.
Final Thoughts:
When someone hurts us, we may have a difficult time letting go of the feelings of resentment. Chronic resentment harms our well-being in many ways. On the other hand, forgiveness frees us from negative emotions, calms our stress levels, and brings us peace of mind. While we don’t have to deny or forget the offense against us, letting go of resentment and practicing forgiveness is liberating and necessary for optimal wellness.
To forgive doesn’t mean that the offense never happened or that the perpetrator is free of blame. Forgiveness is a gift for you. It sets you free and allows you to move with your life.
Be well + prosper,
Elaine xx
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