Disclaimer alert: This post dives deep into 3 reasons why you should save your marriage, only and only if you really want to.
Marriage can be one of the happiest and most memorable moments in our lives. It is a union of not only two individuals, but also of two different upbringings and cultures. After a cheerful start of married life, there might be a possibility or beginning of some conflicts. These may be due to some misunderstandings, ego or other personal problems. Sometimes the bitterness in the relationship crosses the tolerance level that the couples think of getting separated. Read on and discover 3 real reasons why you should fight to save your marriage, that is, if you really want to.
-
You may be unaware of the stage that your marriage is in currently
Experts agree that there are roughly 4 to 7 stages or life cycles of every marriage. Although this makes complete sense. We are too busy making a life and all that it entails, to discern what’s really going on at any given time. Most couples don’t stop and say to each: “Hon, which stage is our marriage in currently?” Let alone, discussing a strategy to get through it successfully. Each of these stages are accompanied by a different set of behaviors, attitudes and mindsets. Each of these stages also brings joy and maybe a bit of pain.
Really healthy marriages experience change and transition if there’s true growth. When couples try to “fake it” or suppress the process, it could lead to trouble down the road. Instead of “avoiding” the natural process, trry embracing it and watch your marriage blossom as a result.
Keeping in mind that no 2 marriages are the exactly the same, let’s take a closer look at the these 5 stages of marriage.
- Stage 1: The Passion or Romance Stage: We all know and love this stage. This is when your marriage is new and exciting and filled with passion and romance. This is the stage of continually falling in love. Your body is releasing a bunch of hormones and your feel good neurotransmitters in your brain are on “fire”!!! We place all of our hopes and dreams on this person. The future is bright. We think, surely this feeling will last forever. It could be easiest to save your marriage during this stage because of all the bliss and energy that’s being released. If a problem did arise, you are more apt to “fight” for the on that you love.
- Stage 2: The Realization or Disillusionment Stage: Whew, this came fast. The honeymoon season of your marriage has come to an end.( Now just because the two of you are getting along just fine and still very much in love, does not mean that this season is over. Keep in mind, like everything in life there are people who are way above average in every circumstance in life. There are some who work really hard behind the scenes to save their marriage on a daily basis. It doesn’t mean that they are skipping stages, they may just be more savvy in this area or they may not have as many challenges temptations as others.) If you don’t recognize this as a normal stage of marriage, you might be tempted to throw in the towel. Here’s where you might begin to notice that Prince Charming ain’t so charming afterall. The little cute things your husband loved about you are now suddenly annoying. This stage last for quite while, especially if there are children in the mix. Here is where you must accept your spouse for who they really are without tying to change them into some version of yourself. Dig your heels deep and getting ready for stage 3.
- Stage 3: The Rebellion Stage: Now the kids are getting a bit older. They’re no longer cute little toddlers, they’re hitting the middle school age with all the potential drama that comes along with it. By now, you’ve devoted alot of time to your marriage and your family, laying a solid foundation and this question arises: “What about me?” You may start missing your friends, daydreaming about traveling the world..alone, etc. This is the stage where self interest can easily override the interest of the marriage. This is a good time to learn how to fight right. You can save your marriage by learning how to agree to disagree instead of tearing each other apart and harboring bitterness. If you sense real danger, it might be a good time to seek outside help. Some of the strongest marriages on the planet use outside help to get them through the rough times and usher them into greatness.
- Stage 4: The Cooperation Stage: This is the stage in your marriage that closely resembles a partnership. You and your spouse dive deep and work hard to manage your growing family together. You’re super busy picking and dropping off the kids to school and other activities, paying the mortgage, managing your career and your finances. You can get so caught up in these activities that you neglect spending quality time with one another (without the kids) or you might find that there are more things to argue about than ever before. Understanding that “this too shall pass” might just be enough to save your marriage.
- Stage 5: The Reunion Stage: If you have children, it can take a while to get here, but you will get here. This is the stage that even a good marriage can become gooder. (I know that’s not really a word.) By now, your parenting has lessened, your finances have stabilized and your mortgage might even be paid! You can begin to rediscover one another as lovers and friends, not just business partners and providers. Happy couples, become happier.
Saving your marriage is not merely solving problems, but also recognizing which stage of the life cycle your marriage is in and developing a strategy to get you through it.
When you truly have an understanding of the stages of marriage, it easier not to compare yourself with other married couple who may or may not be at the same stage.
2. You are unaware that you don’t have the proper training to win in marriage
Unless you are a licensed professional marriage counselor, you might think you know more about marriage than you actually do. Marriage is on the job training. Most people get married and just do the best that they know how to do. They either pick up habits from the parents or others around them. They are unaware that they lack the skills that actually cause them to win big. Instead, they settle for barely getting by or just relying on what they think they might know.
The truth is: We don’t know what we don’t know.
You should consider developing the skill sets required to have an awesome marriage, instead of assuming that you know what your’ re doing. More than likely you’re judging your marriage against those around you instead of shooting for the stars. Even if you have a “good marriage” you could possibly have a “great marriage” by gaining some skill sets that can help save your marriage and others as well. I would suggest that you take on the persona of a novice, i.e., think like a beginner. When you become teachable, a ton of wisdom becomes available to you.
There is a wealth of information out here on how to do anything better. There are seminars to attend and books to read. There are some marriage experts out here that can help you on your journey. You could save your marriage by immersing yourself in the wisdom that’s available if you’re humble enough to try. Wise advice can help you save your marriage.
3. You may not have been taught how to fight properly for your marriage
There is a proper way to fight for your marriage. The best time to gain mastery in this area is in Stage 1 when everything is peachy keen and distractions are minimal. This is when husband and wife make a bold declaration that “we are on the same team”, “we are one”. This is when you stand back to back with swords drawn ready to slice the head off of any giant that comes your way. This mindset can be practiced in times of victory and struggle. It is a matter of not letting anything or anyone come between the two of you. When you learn how to fight enemies of your marriage and not one another, you gain tremendous ground and more than likely save your marriage, together.
I do realize that not every marriage can or will be saved. In this article, I am exposing 3 reasons why you might consider saving your marriage. I am offering 3 insights that you may not have considered before. I prayer and sincere hope for you is that this advice, coming from a woman who has been married for nearly 30 years helps you find your way down this path called marriage. 🙂
X O
Elaine